On Rebellion, Sacrifice, and Grace

The more sadness I feel over leaving my home, family and friends the more I wonder why I am doing this. Wouldn't it be easier to simply go on living as I was before. To live in my shell, not taking risks, not stretching myself. To be always dissatisfied with my choice in school. Isn't it worth it if it means being safe, secure and unchallengened. Even as I write this, I know that I cannot live fully knowing that I am not doing the will of Him who gave me this life. So to help me remember I read over the essay I submitted to my college entitled, "why do I want to attend ___". I attended a very small classical high school and loved the education, passion of the teachers and close knit environment. When I toured New Saint Andrews two years ago it seemed like the perfect place to continue this education and learn how to teach others as I had been taught. However, I allowed the fear of the unknown stand in my way. I have regretted that decision ever since. Since that time

Sitting in Church today and realizing that I will not be there for weeks made me understand how much my Church means to me. My Church has been a place of encouradgment and conviction. I am really going to miss singing along side my fellow believers, seeing each person there and joining in communion with those I know. But most of all I am going to miss the convicting, yet totally encouradging sermons of my pastor. Why does growing up and away have to be so incredibly painful?

Yesterday marked the last day of work. I went throughout the work day as usual, feeling no different. Then as I was checking over everything, for the last time, it hit me. I realized suddenly that I was just one more step closer to leaving. I felt not so sad as odd. Realizing that I may never work there again was difficult to take in. Then today I met my good friend to say goodbye. All went well but when I laid down to take a nap after coming home I suddenly felt a great sadness over the fast approaching departure and I started to cry. I am still processing it all but I think I am understanding it more slowly and am scared. God give me strength.