On Rebellion, Sacrifice, and Grace

The more sadness I feel over leaving my home, family and friends the more I wonder why I am doing this. Wouldn't it be easier to simply go on living as I was before. To live in my shell, not taking risks, not stretching myself. To be always dissatisfied with my choice in school. Isn't it worth it if it means being safe, secure and unchallengened. Even as I write this, I know that I cannot live fully knowing that I am not doing the will of Him who gave me this life. So to help me remember I read over the essay I submitted to my college entitled, "why do I want to attend ___". I attended a very small classical high school and loved the education, passion of the teachers and close knit environment. When I toured New Saint Andrews two years ago it seemed like the perfect place to continue this education and learn how to teach others as I had been taught. However, I allowed the fear of the unknown stand in my way. I have regretted that decision ever since. Since that time

Sitting in Church today and realizing that I will not be there for weeks made me understand how much my Church means to me. My Church has been a place of encouradgment and conviction. I am really going to miss singing along side my fellow believers, seeing each person there and joining in communion with those I know. But most of all I am going to miss the convicting, yet totally encouradging sermons of my pastor. Why does growing up and away have to be so incredibly painful?

Yesterday marked the last day of work. I went throughout the work day as usual, feeling no different. Then as I was checking over everything, for the last time, it hit me. I realized suddenly that I was just one more step closer to leaving. I felt not so sad as odd. Realizing that I may never work there again was difficult to take in. Then today I met my good friend to say goodbye. All went well but when I laid down to take a nap after coming home I suddenly felt a great sadness over the fast approaching departure and I started to cry. I am still processing it all but I think I am understanding it more slowly and am scared. God give me strength.

Last night I lay in bed and thought, what the heck am I doing? I am leaving my family, my home, all that I hold dear and starting a new life miles and miles away. And all for what? Is this school really worth giving everything for, or am I about to make a terrible mistake? A deep fear settled upon me and I cried to my Lord but my frail voice seemed to echo back, mockingly. Riding to church this morning I thought, God show yourself to me today because I am in desperate need of your strong presence. Little did I know what was to come. During the service our pastor got up to sing a song with his mother and daughter and I thought, great another poorly sung hymn coming right up. "Be still, my soul! The Lord is on thy side." I couldn't believe my ears, was this the pastor singing or God leaning down and whispering in my ear? I leaned forward, taking in every word. "Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to or

Five days of being twenty and I feel...tired. I was so excited to rid myself of the title of "teenager" but now I realize exactly what that entails. I am still ecstatic about life as an adult but it is not what I expected. My first day as an adult I worked twelve hours. That day I realize that though growing up leads to exciting new adventures and new experiences, it also means more responsibility. The days of childish games and idle afternoons are over, the days of hard work and toil have come. I am now responsible to feed, clothe and educate myself. Such a duty terrifies me. Yet... Adult life brings joy immeasurable. The beauty of falling madly in love with a man and entrusting your all to him to care for, for life. The speechless happiness of holding the delicate product of that love in your arms and looking into those little eyes and feeling your heart will burst with joy. The amazing joy of discovering more of the magnificence of your Savior each passing day. Only the pa

How am I going to survive? How am I going to keep from looking utterly ridicules? How am I going to learn it all? How am I going to keep from snapping? How am I going to keep from growing sick for lack of home? How am I going to keep smiling? How....how am I going to live? Lord give me strength.

It is over, the trial has ended. The Lord has worked everything out wonderfully and just at the right time. Oh what joy is mine now that endurance has had its perfect work. I am sure more trials are to come but I pray I will remember this one and, more importantly, the result of this period of molding. For now I am more than content to bask in the joy that is now mine and the blessing of answered prayer.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren,when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4. Oh, how easy it is to read such a verse when one faces no trials. But to read and believe it in the midst of a trial, now that is another story. It seems my life has been a roller coaster of joy, fear, sadness and peace. So many of these ups and downs are a result of mistrust in the Him who is perfectly trustworthy. Sleep is lost, days are ruined and depression creeps in all because I don't truly believe that "God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble". (Psalms 46:1) Such mistrust makes facing trials ten times harder. I have faced trials before but it seems this one is the most difficult of all.Perhaps it is because I feel that so much is out of my hands and perhaps it is because I have

What if. What if she had followed the words of her Lord when He said go? What if she had submitted her future to Him instead of holding it so close only to watch it slip away? What if she had taken up her cross, left her family and followed only after Him? She knew God works all things out for the good of those who love Him. But, what if? She could see herself now. Fulfilled after two years in the most amazing place on earth. She would be on her way to becoming a learned scholar and great teacher. She would be a stronger Christian, stretched and growing. She would have been the one to show others the ropes. She would have been so happy. But now it is all to late. Or is it?